Admittedly, I’ve never been to the Great Exuma island. But I think that’s okay. Because, after the Fyre Festival Disaster of ’17, Exuma appears to just be less of a tourist trap, and more of just an actual trap.
I have LOTS of questions. Great Exuma is a big island, with two major resorts and plenty other hotel/vrbo/airbnb type accommodations.
Why is everybody dehydrating, starving and fleeing back to Florida? Can the attendees not call a taxi or a fishing boat to relocate the party elsewhere? The website even specifies what to do if “you’re chartering your own yacht.” Are the yachty kids not sharing their boats with the ones sleeping in disaster relief tents? I don’t think I’ll get answers for a while so we will move on.
I’ve been traveling to the Bahamas for years as both a tourist and a boat deckhand. Here’s how the Fyre Festival attendees need to salvage the rest of their vacation:
Swim with the Pigs
You can’t go to Great Exuma and not swim with the pigs, even if you’re struggling to survive with your fellow millennials. Apparently, Exuma Water Sports isn’t really happy if you’re petting the pigs without them, so you should probably book a tour.
Visit the Mile Long Sandbar
Beachcombing is relaxing and will help you forget that you’re “stranded” on an island resort. Oh look, a sand dollar! Only 12,000 more of these to go and you might get a refund for your festival ticket.
Go to Chat ‘n’ Chill on Sunday
Every day is a party in the Bahamas, but the biggest and baddest parties always happen on Sunday. Attendees, you’re in luck! Public ferry rides are available to Stocking Island and the local Chat ‘n’ Chill, where they will be hosting their local pig roast. What better way to complete the Lord of the flies analogy than to dine on piggy?
Feed the Stingrays
Now that you’re on Stocking Island, I think I can keep you entertained for a full 12 hours. Feed and play with the local stingrays outside Chat ‘n’ Chill. They just want your piggy roast scraps.
Take Pictures with the Arrow Map Pole Thing
I don’t really know – I just see this on instagram a lot. You’re here. Might as well.
Explore Jacques Cousteau Mystery Cave
A two minute boat ride from the Chat ‘n’ Chill is the famous Mystery Cave that you can explore and experience some of the best snorkeling around.
Swim with the Nurse Sharks at Compass Cay
This one will take some traveling to the north side of the Exumas, but c’mon…think of the instagram opportunities. I promise you the nurse sharks don’t care that you exist and will ignore you, kind of like the fyrefestival organizers.
Book a ticket to Next Year’s Bahamian Music and Heritage Festival
It’s a lot cheaper ticket than what you’re used to paying, but it’s a real Bahamian cultural experience that happens every year. It’s a family friendly event celebrating life in the Bahamas with storytelling, singing and poetry reading.
Not your style? Okay, just don’t blame Bahamians for your shitty FyreFest.